No , littleman my keys are NOT in the fridge..................

So this is the first week of the holidays with my 6 yr old. He wants to be attached to me most of the time.

The incident in question was after a nice morning swimming, a peaceful lunch and a few in house games.
The little one decided it was time to play in the garden.

My naughty keys had gone and I was about to go into full on panic mode.

No one has our key and hubbie at work till late

Then the question - Have you checked the fridge Mummy ?

Believe me , this could have sent me either way

Its been that kind of week - I've not felt the best.

I've sorta gone from having a huge circle of mates with uni, then a smaller circle with meetings and adult conversation to  , well  ........have you checked the fridge ?

It took me sooo long to learn to do the student thing , then to learn to do the networking thing so now
I'm watching endless episodes of cartoons.

I'm sure they only made about 4 eps - cos it seems to be the same stories all the time. I am learning all the pups on Paw Patrol - Littleman seems impressed.

In all this I've tried , I am trying to keep myself moving forward music wise - I answered my first casting call , wrote some lyrics - I saw a picture of myself in that red dress with the behive hair - I wondered what 'SHE' would write about

Turns out , it's seducing men into hotel rooms - Who knew ????

For me to write , I have to feel restless - The words have to fight their way out.
I sorta see them in my head and then HAVE to write them down or lose them forever.

Missed words/verses haunt me 'cos in my head they were epic lyrics that would have changed the world if only i could remember them .................

My head gets filled with words and quotes so i'm usually watching people i meet to see if their lives are interesting enough to write about.

I do write about mine too - Loads
About the people I meet and how i feel about them - good and bad !

Recently I've been missing people - the people I really love are far away from me - friends wise .

We do keep in touch by email but for me it doesn't really replace giving your best mate a squeeze.
And because I've just come though puberty and this crazy woman is new to me , I've been a bit upset at pics.
Bizarre, I know - it's not enough that this character I've created is strong passionate and confident the other side of that is sometimes other, darker sensitivities.

Once in a while , it gets too much and I shut the doors and stay in to recover.
All i do is eat good food try to excersise and keep my fingers busy till it passes.

My house has never been so tidy .....................
My head is silly

Oh, and just in case you were wondering , They weren't in the fridge ..........................

BOO ! Did ya miss me ???

So I guess this is a catch up post . The last couple of weeks at uni had been the busiest so far.
Mixed in with the prep for Christmas it drove me to the edge of sanity !

In the last week I had 2 assignments due both with 10 min power point's and one i'd already submitted to present to our group.
As well as a group performance that was assessed and then a rehearsal for a new band .

I reacted in my usual panic mode . I had lists on top of lists so everything was done in time.
But in the end it was ......................

I GOT IT ALL IN !!

This is amazing for me - Usually I give up trying because the task is so huge but this time it's different.

There's so many thing just fit better with this new situation. I'm definitely in a better position now than this time last year.

So the gig was amazing - We worked so well as a unit !
Loads of people in the crowd congratulated me on being great. I even got loads of friend requests and inbox messages from people offering me all sorts.

Some good , some not so good. LOL
This new band opportunity came as a result of the gig. Now I'm off to rehearse with a load of 3rd years.

EEEEEEEEEKKKKK Scary cos they all know so much more about everything than i do - I know I'm good at what I do but it's all a very steep learning curve.

Also this means more time away from the home - we rehearse on a night once a fortnight so I miss putting spiderman to bed that night. It's not a huge thing but as a mum you always worry about spending time away from them.

The diet is going ok i think - with all the stress I've been dealing with the eating has been a little - ahem - erratic !  

I've still been hitting the gym to balance it out.

Then it was Christmas - I cooked, I ate, I drank .

Then I felt shit so I stopped .

So here we are all up to date. I have a few Thanks and pics to post so will get right on that !!

Bye darlings xxx

Gee - whizzz ,Look at his eyes.......................................

I hear this song in my sleep now ! LOL
I have a gig on December 10th and I've put so much effort into learning it. Also it's my inspiration for my own composition .

Mine is called Man of my dreams - it has the same chord progression , key and modulation, time signature and lyrical theme.
I'm not brave enough to add the pauses thou' !!

The start of the week was fine . Gym was great , turned the intensity up on all the machines . I'd walked 45 mins to the gym and walked 30 mins to pick spider man from school.

Tuesday band rehearsals - Get ready- The Temptations , Gee whiz- Carla Thomas and Lets stay together - Al Green are coming along nicely , thanks for asking
I seem to have developed a bit of a burly -ish wiggle

So that's when the wheels fell off .......................

Woke up Wednesday morning I was awake early in a bit of a mood. No warning no particular reason for it.
There it was and there it stayed .
My uni lesson was more difficult than it needed to be
Thursday I dropped spiderman at school and walked till I ached . I didn't speak to anyone all day. After lunch I stayed in the house and watched tv  I also walked back to school.
Friday was a struggle. It's a long day for all of us . Breakfast club for spiderman and then he's picked up by the childminder .

Usually this doesn't bother me but Friday there was  guilt and doubt .

Saturday I didn't get dressed till 12 and kept the curtains drawn till just before this too

Just to ad a little balance to this there has been some nice moments too - I took spiderman to see the lights switch on by Anna and Elsa . He loved it. His little face thou'
And i tried on some trousers that almost fit !!!

I'm sure people reading this will wonder if I tell people when I feel low - I wish it was that simple.
Both of the mates I'd usually talk to are experiencing  life also at the moment so don't really have time to listen.
My hubbie is willing to listen but I try hard to let him in when i don't feel too bad. Part of the reason to write the blog was to start a discussion and to explain what goes on behind brown eyes

If I can manage by myself then I will , at the moment it doesn't feel too bad .
I'm eating well and doing a the exercise so hopefully it'll pass, I've got a busy week coming .

Uphill battle - but still winning the war , Kim Kardashian never has this problem .....................

Did you see the picture ?  Apparently 'Woman has an ass'

Anyways ................

This week has been very up and down.............. again
There's been gym. I did my workout and actually enjoyed it .
 Uni which has been good. I managed to use Sebelius and scored out correctly the first line of my own composition . I have words and a vague idea of the rest of it.
I almost actually asked for help - almost !
My waist has shrunk dramatically which is exciting to see . It does give you a massive lift to see the hard work paying off.
There was a night out with a new mate. I've not laughed so much in ages. We're so similar in personality they have helped me to settle down and helped me feel more comfortable doing what I do . They are also deliciously weird so that helps loads also.
Another good mate received a parcel I'd sent them and text to say Thanks . I'd had a horrible day so the text made sure I went to bed smiling . I really enjoyed planning a surprise and would have given anything to see the look when the card was opened !

So the not so good -
My trainer was late for my appointment by 15 mins . There was no staff around to ask just a full gym of people staring at me . I was terrified as it was only my 3rd visit. I felt very intimidated and to be honest  forgotten about. I have a doctors referral and was so nervous about the whole gym process
  After getting really annoyed and a few tears I had to go chasing him about to have him tell me that I really should have started without him.
I did my workout but felt like an inconvenience to him all session.
Then he  'reminded me ' what i needed to do on every machines I went on.

   Wow , Realllyyyy ..............................  I suspect this is why people quit GRRRRR !

So the weight loss - The only weight I have appeared to lose is my from my waist.
The trousers I have on are massive. They are so baggy on the waist they now sit on my hips. This makes them too long. They are baggy on the bum and tummy but fit fine on the my thighs.
I look like a baglady !
So I thought I'd try to find some new trousers to wear but this just didn't happen.
I tried on a 5 pairs of jeans in one shop and a few others in other shops also . None of them fitted due to the size of my thighs. If i sized up they are massive everywhere else . Thou' the trousers I'd picked up were labeled the same size as the baggy ones I was wearing !!??
 One of the supermarkets I tried has scrapped their plus size dept in favor of the Christmas stuff ??? WTF ??????
According to them I have no use for clothing at this time of year or maybe I'm just not entitled to buy from them ??
Spending my Saturday afternoon in shop changing rooms on the verge of tears is not good.

I bet Kim never has this problem.....................

It messes with my head cos I'd felt so hopeful that I was going to look fab after putting all this effort in , going to the gym and being made to feel an idiot only to find out that the same problems were in the mirror as before.
Now I know I'm not doing as well as I'd thought it seems like a much bigger task.


The only options I appear to have is cut down what I'm eating and exercise more, again and be cold .
At the moment I officially have no trousers so cold it is !

I can't go to Uni looking a mess can I ?
Long tops/ dresses and leggings it is .

Wonderful !!!????

Not so much a learning curve as an uphill struggle

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Feel free to leave me a message !

I found out this week what happens when I don't excersise.
General worry and chaos followed by lack of motivation and a few diet slip ups.

I got it all out overnight and got back into my routine . I'm trying to get back to my bike and I'm having a gym induction on Thursday.

This week at Uni I've been mic-ing up, recording and singing. I've also been trying to get to grips with some computer software.

I am determined to get to grips with it so I'm able to use it quickly.

The mum stuff has been a bit full on . Spiderman has had a couple of stressful days at school. He was throwing pens across a class room , had a bit of an argument with a boy in his class then had a nosebleed on the same day.
The next day he went back and fell again , this time cutting his head and I had to take him to the local minor injuries dept.

On Tuesday night my oldest and best friend came into Hull for the night. We ate we drank and giggled - magic .

So now is half term. So this means a visit from my mum and me being able to cook yummy meals for the family.
This will be the first time I've seen her since having all the therapy I've had.
Mostly addressing the amount of issues that arose from my childhood.

I don't blame my parents and i certainly don't hate them both. I don't know if I'd be the woman I am today without that experience.

But that woman is also stubborn and feels unable to ask for help which in a Uni class aint good is it.
So even after all the talking I've done to be a woman I can like , the past is still getting in the way.

Part of me is still the little fat girl that felt no one listened to her.

The difference now is that I know that I need to swallow my pride and ask for help.

I'm not stubborn enough to fail my degree ..........