No , littleman my keys are NOT in the fridge..................

So this is the first week of the holidays with my 6 yr old. He wants to be attached to me most of the time.

The incident in question was after a nice morning swimming, a peaceful lunch and a few in house games.
The little one decided it was time to play in the garden.

My naughty keys had gone and I was about to go into full on panic mode.

No one has our key and hubbie at work till late

Then the question - Have you checked the fridge Mummy ?

Believe me , this could have sent me either way

Its been that kind of week - I've not felt the best.

I've sorta gone from having a huge circle of mates with uni, then a smaller circle with meetings and adult conversation to  , well  ........have you checked the fridge ?

It took me sooo long to learn to do the student thing , then to learn to do the networking thing so now
I'm watching endless episodes of cartoons.

I'm sure they only made about 4 eps - cos it seems to be the same stories all the time. I am learning all the pups on Paw Patrol - Littleman seems impressed.

In all this I've tried , I am trying to keep myself moving forward music wise - I answered my first casting call , wrote some lyrics - I saw a picture of myself in that red dress with the behive hair - I wondered what 'SHE' would write about

Turns out , it's seducing men into hotel rooms - Who knew ????

For me to write , I have to feel restless - The words have to fight their way out.
I sorta see them in my head and then HAVE to write them down or lose them forever.

Missed words/verses haunt me 'cos in my head they were epic lyrics that would have changed the world if only i could remember them .................

My head gets filled with words and quotes so i'm usually watching people i meet to see if their lives are interesting enough to write about.

I do write about mine too - Loads
About the people I meet and how i feel about them - good and bad !

Recently I've been missing people - the people I really love are far away from me - friends wise .

We do keep in touch by email but for me it doesn't really replace giving your best mate a squeeze.
And because I've just come though puberty and this crazy woman is new to me , I've been a bit upset at pics.
Bizarre, I know - it's not enough that this character I've created is strong passionate and confident the other side of that is sometimes other, darker sensitivities.

Once in a while , it gets too much and I shut the doors and stay in to recover.
All i do is eat good food try to excersise and keep my fingers busy till it passes.

My house has never been so tidy .....................
My head is silly

Oh, and just in case you were wondering , They weren't in the fridge ..........................

Gee - whizzz ,Look at his eyes.......................................

I hear this song in my sleep now ! LOL
I have a gig on December 10th and I've put so much effort into learning it. Also it's my inspiration for my own composition .

Mine is called Man of my dreams - it has the same chord progression , key and modulation, time signature and lyrical theme.
I'm not brave enough to add the pauses thou' !!

The start of the week was fine . Gym was great , turned the intensity up on all the machines . I'd walked 45 mins to the gym and walked 30 mins to pick spider man from school.

Tuesday band rehearsals - Get ready- The Temptations , Gee whiz- Carla Thomas and Lets stay together - Al Green are coming along nicely , thanks for asking
I seem to have developed a bit of a burly -ish wiggle

So that's when the wheels fell off .......................

Woke up Wednesday morning I was awake early in a bit of a mood. No warning no particular reason for it.
There it was and there it stayed .
My uni lesson was more difficult than it needed to be
Thursday I dropped spiderman at school and walked till I ached . I didn't speak to anyone all day. After lunch I stayed in the house and watched tv  I also walked back to school.
Friday was a struggle. It's a long day for all of us . Breakfast club for spiderman and then he's picked up by the childminder .

Usually this doesn't bother me but Friday there was  guilt and doubt .

Saturday I didn't get dressed till 12 and kept the curtains drawn till just before this too

Just to ad a little balance to this there has been some nice moments too - I took spiderman to see the lights switch on by Anna and Elsa . He loved it. His little face thou'
And i tried on some trousers that almost fit !!!

I'm sure people reading this will wonder if I tell people when I feel low - I wish it was that simple.
Both of the mates I'd usually talk to are experiencing  life also at the moment so don't really have time to listen.
My hubbie is willing to listen but I try hard to let him in when i don't feel too bad. Part of the reason to write the blog was to start a discussion and to explain what goes on behind brown eyes

If I can manage by myself then I will , at the moment it doesn't feel too bad .
I'm eating well and doing a the exercise so hopefully it'll pass, I've got a busy week coming .

Uphill battle - but still winning the war , Kim Kardashian never has this problem .....................

Did you see the picture ?  Apparently 'Woman has an ass'

Anyways ................

This week has been very up and down.............. again
There's been gym. I did my workout and actually enjoyed it .
 Uni which has been good. I managed to use Sebelius and scored out correctly the first line of my own composition . I have words and a vague idea of the rest of it.
I almost actually asked for help - almost !
My waist has shrunk dramatically which is exciting to see . It does give you a massive lift to see the hard work paying off.
There was a night out with a new mate. I've not laughed so much in ages. We're so similar in personality they have helped me to settle down and helped me feel more comfortable doing what I do . They are also deliciously weird so that helps loads also.
Another good mate received a parcel I'd sent them and text to say Thanks . I'd had a horrible day so the text made sure I went to bed smiling . I really enjoyed planning a surprise and would have given anything to see the look when the card was opened !

So the not so good -
My trainer was late for my appointment by 15 mins . There was no staff around to ask just a full gym of people staring at me . I was terrified as it was only my 3rd visit. I felt very intimidated and to be honest  forgotten about. I have a doctors referral and was so nervous about the whole gym process
  After getting really annoyed and a few tears I had to go chasing him about to have him tell me that I really should have started without him.
I did my workout but felt like an inconvenience to him all session.
Then he  'reminded me ' what i needed to do on every machines I went on.

   Wow , Realllyyyy ..............................  I suspect this is why people quit GRRRRR !

So the weight loss - The only weight I have appeared to lose is my from my waist.
The trousers I have on are massive. They are so baggy on the waist they now sit on my hips. This makes them too long. They are baggy on the bum and tummy but fit fine on the my thighs.
I look like a baglady !
So I thought I'd try to find some new trousers to wear but this just didn't happen.
I tried on a 5 pairs of jeans in one shop and a few others in other shops also . None of them fitted due to the size of my thighs. If i sized up they are massive everywhere else . Thou' the trousers I'd picked up were labeled the same size as the baggy ones I was wearing !!??
 One of the supermarkets I tried has scrapped their plus size dept in favor of the Christmas stuff ??? WTF ??????
According to them I have no use for clothing at this time of year or maybe I'm just not entitled to buy from them ??
Spending my Saturday afternoon in shop changing rooms on the verge of tears is not good.

I bet Kim never has this problem.....................

It messes with my head cos I'd felt so hopeful that I was going to look fab after putting all this effort in , going to the gym and being made to feel an idiot only to find out that the same problems were in the mirror as before.
Now I know I'm not doing as well as I'd thought it seems like a much bigger task.


The only options I appear to have is cut down what I'm eating and exercise more, again and be cold .
At the moment I officially have no trousers so cold it is !

I can't go to Uni looking a mess can I ?
Long tops/ dresses and leggings it is .

Wonderful !!!????

Did ya miss me ??

Well the weekly blog stuff went well ?

Over the past two weeks I've been away I've written and submitted my first assignment . Had my childcare situation fall apart and then rebuilt by me , and realised just how much extra work I need to do to have a chance of not failing one of my modules.

As well as all the washing cleaning (ish!!) shopping and general day to day wife/mum stuff.

So the assignment was an essay. 2000 words on the Theory of Popular music submitted via turnitin.
I made a million notes from books and got quotes from everywhere and typed up over a few nights.

Spiderman was poorly as I typing so I had to stop clear up sick and then carry on - Lovely .
I aimed to get 400 words done a night.
I took it section by section . I got into the lesson the day before our deadline to find a few students hadn't been as organised as i was .

Also that day was band practice. I struggled with the first line of my song . Basically I didn't know it and it showed !
Not a mistake I'm willing to make again !

The childcare thing - It all fell apart. I spent most of one morning with my phone attached to my ear looking for a childminder who was able to pick him up from school that evening.

This was also the week of Parents evening . This was after school and we'd had no notice. None of us were available to go.
But due to the childcare situation I had to come home from lessons early anyways.

Spidermans teacher was less than impressed that I was unable to drop everything at a moments notice.

Not a happy bunny that day. My head was all over the place and the one thing I do when the shit hits the fan

EAT ..................

So the other issue of these past weeks is a module I desperately want to understand but at the moment don't make a lot of sense.
Rather than ask in class like a normal person might, I wait till I leave get upset and text my mate.
Then contemplate emailing my teacher.

I did email in the end , he encourages me to speak up in class. I'm not exactly sure why i don't
But it does seem like a good idea ???

Where your mind goes your body will follow ?

Fortune cookie or actually the most useful piece of advice you'll ever hear ?

This week has definitely been about change.

 More specifically about smaller steps to make bigger changes.

Its a skill I'm gaining - I'm usually not the most patient of people.  As I'm sure my mates will tell ya !

With a lot of the changes I'm making the key seems to a small amount of effort everyday will produce the best results.

How did this pass me by before ?????

I've managed to get Spiderman  to school on time and arrange for him to be picked up by his friends mum.   I've not lost him , not left him anywhere . (touch wood)

 In fact we've all survived my first week.

I've managed to eat better than I ever have  - without too many slip-ups.    ......................CAKE ................

And a MEAL OUT WITH BOOZE .  

But all I did after was get straight back to my plan.

I've never been this focused before - to be honest it's a little unsettling !

It's amazing to think that the promise of a degree and networking opportunities, has worked better than all the body shaming, ridicule and good natured, but ever so slightly interfering, advice I've endured throughout my life.

The more I think about my current situation the more intertwined the threads seem to be.

My anxiety has been under control but to be honest I'd anticipated more of it - strange I know .

Usually a room full of strangers and  "Tell us a little bit about you ."game would cause a pretty major upset.
I have to admit, I did wonder what on earth i was going to wear the first day.

But because I'd been looking forward to starting and have been so positive about the future , I've managed to stop it before it starts.

This is MONUMENTAL for me.


Finally a grown up ? How did that happen ?