BOO ! Did ya miss me ???

So I guess this is a catch up post . The last couple of weeks at uni had been the busiest so far.
Mixed in with the prep for Christmas it drove me to the edge of sanity !

In the last week I had 2 assignments due both with 10 min power point's and one i'd already submitted to present to our group.
As well as a group performance that was assessed and then a rehearsal for a new band .

I reacted in my usual panic mode . I had lists on top of lists so everything was done in time.
But in the end it was ......................

I GOT IT ALL IN !!

This is amazing for me - Usually I give up trying because the task is so huge but this time it's different.

There's so many thing just fit better with this new situation. I'm definitely in a better position now than this time last year.

So the gig was amazing - We worked so well as a unit !
Loads of people in the crowd congratulated me on being great. I even got loads of friend requests and inbox messages from people offering me all sorts.

Some good , some not so good. LOL
This new band opportunity came as a result of the gig. Now I'm off to rehearse with a load of 3rd years.

EEEEEEEEEKKKKK Scary cos they all know so much more about everything than i do - I know I'm good at what I do but it's all a very steep learning curve.

Also this means more time away from the home - we rehearse on a night once a fortnight so I miss putting spiderman to bed that night. It's not a huge thing but as a mum you always worry about spending time away from them.

The diet is going ok i think - with all the stress I've been dealing with the eating has been a little - ahem - erratic !  

I've still been hitting the gym to balance it out.

Then it was Christmas - I cooked, I ate, I drank .

Then I felt shit so I stopped .

So here we are all up to date. I have a few Thanks and pics to post so will get right on that !!

Bye darlings xxx

Uphill battle - but still winning the war , Kim Kardashian never has this problem .....................

Did you see the picture ?  Apparently 'Woman has an ass'

Anyways ................

This week has been very up and down.............. again
There's been gym. I did my workout and actually enjoyed it .
 Uni which has been good. I managed to use Sebelius and scored out correctly the first line of my own composition . I have words and a vague idea of the rest of it.
I almost actually asked for help - almost !
My waist has shrunk dramatically which is exciting to see . It does give you a massive lift to see the hard work paying off.
There was a night out with a new mate. I've not laughed so much in ages. We're so similar in personality they have helped me to settle down and helped me feel more comfortable doing what I do . They are also deliciously weird so that helps loads also.
Another good mate received a parcel I'd sent them and text to say Thanks . I'd had a horrible day so the text made sure I went to bed smiling . I really enjoyed planning a surprise and would have given anything to see the look when the card was opened !

So the not so good -
My trainer was late for my appointment by 15 mins . There was no staff around to ask just a full gym of people staring at me . I was terrified as it was only my 3rd visit. I felt very intimidated and to be honest  forgotten about. I have a doctors referral and was so nervous about the whole gym process
  After getting really annoyed and a few tears I had to go chasing him about to have him tell me that I really should have started without him.
I did my workout but felt like an inconvenience to him all session.
Then he  'reminded me ' what i needed to do on every machines I went on.

   Wow , Realllyyyy ..............................  I suspect this is why people quit GRRRRR !

So the weight loss - The only weight I have appeared to lose is my from my waist.
The trousers I have on are massive. They are so baggy on the waist they now sit on my hips. This makes them too long. They are baggy on the bum and tummy but fit fine on the my thighs.
I look like a baglady !
So I thought I'd try to find some new trousers to wear but this just didn't happen.
I tried on a 5 pairs of jeans in one shop and a few others in other shops also . None of them fitted due to the size of my thighs. If i sized up they are massive everywhere else . Thou' the trousers I'd picked up were labeled the same size as the baggy ones I was wearing !!??
 One of the supermarkets I tried has scrapped their plus size dept in favor of the Christmas stuff ??? WTF ??????
According to them I have no use for clothing at this time of year or maybe I'm just not entitled to buy from them ??
Spending my Saturday afternoon in shop changing rooms on the verge of tears is not good.

I bet Kim never has this problem.....................

It messes with my head cos I'd felt so hopeful that I was going to look fab after putting all this effort in , going to the gym and being made to feel an idiot only to find out that the same problems were in the mirror as before.
Now I know I'm not doing as well as I'd thought it seems like a much bigger task.


The only options I appear to have is cut down what I'm eating and exercise more, again and be cold .
At the moment I officially have no trousers so cold it is !

I can't go to Uni looking a mess can I ?
Long tops/ dresses and leggings it is .

Wonderful !!!????

Did ya miss me ??

Well the weekly blog stuff went well ?

Over the past two weeks I've been away I've written and submitted my first assignment . Had my childcare situation fall apart and then rebuilt by me , and realised just how much extra work I need to do to have a chance of not failing one of my modules.

As well as all the washing cleaning (ish!!) shopping and general day to day wife/mum stuff.

So the assignment was an essay. 2000 words on the Theory of Popular music submitted via turnitin.
I made a million notes from books and got quotes from everywhere and typed up over a few nights.

Spiderman was poorly as I typing so I had to stop clear up sick and then carry on - Lovely .
I aimed to get 400 words done a night.
I took it section by section . I got into the lesson the day before our deadline to find a few students hadn't been as organised as i was .

Also that day was band practice. I struggled with the first line of my song . Basically I didn't know it and it showed !
Not a mistake I'm willing to make again !

The childcare thing - It all fell apart. I spent most of one morning with my phone attached to my ear looking for a childminder who was able to pick him up from school that evening.

This was also the week of Parents evening . This was after school and we'd had no notice. None of us were available to go.
But due to the childcare situation I had to come home from lessons early anyways.

Spidermans teacher was less than impressed that I was unable to drop everything at a moments notice.

Not a happy bunny that day. My head was all over the place and the one thing I do when the shit hits the fan

EAT ..................

So the other issue of these past weeks is a module I desperately want to understand but at the moment don't make a lot of sense.
Rather than ask in class like a normal person might, I wait till I leave get upset and text my mate.
Then contemplate emailing my teacher.

I did email in the end , he encourages me to speak up in class. I'm not exactly sure why i don't
But it does seem like a good idea ???

Where your mind goes your body will follow ?

Fortune cookie or actually the most useful piece of advice you'll ever hear ?

This week has definitely been about change.

 More specifically about smaller steps to make bigger changes.

Its a skill I'm gaining - I'm usually not the most patient of people.  As I'm sure my mates will tell ya !

With a lot of the changes I'm making the key seems to a small amount of effort everyday will produce the best results.

How did this pass me by before ?????

I've managed to get Spiderman  to school on time and arrange for him to be picked up by his friends mum.   I've not lost him , not left him anywhere . (touch wood)

 In fact we've all survived my first week.

I've managed to eat better than I ever have  - without too many slip-ups.    ......................CAKE ................

And a MEAL OUT WITH BOOZE .  

But all I did after was get straight back to my plan.

I've never been this focused before - to be honest it's a little unsettling !

It's amazing to think that the promise of a degree and networking opportunities, has worked better than all the body shaming, ridicule and good natured, but ever so slightly interfering, advice I've endured throughout my life.

The more I think about my current situation the more intertwined the threads seem to be.

My anxiety has been under control but to be honest I'd anticipated more of it - strange I know .

Usually a room full of strangers and  "Tell us a little bit about you ."game would cause a pretty major upset.
I have to admit, I did wonder what on earth i was going to wear the first day.

But because I'd been looking forward to starting and have been so positive about the future , I've managed to stop it before it starts.

This is MONUMENTAL for me.


Finally a grown up ? How did that happen ?

So i guess the first post should be an introduction to me and what's going on at the mo.
Wife to the strangest man I've ever met and mum to spider man. 5 3/4.

I'm 31 and have spent most of my life walking in the wrong direction.
I'm a singer and songwriter, always have been .

BUT  I've always had the feeling that other people's needs were more important than mine . This led me to work in care homes - mainly with older people with mental health issues.
.
This blog is intended to keep track of my progression and to keep hold of my sanity................. Hopefully

Firstly there's the degree , BA HONS Music Performance - I can't believe they let me in. It's been yrs since I've studied.
I made a few phone calls and somehow I'm there.

 I start TOMORROW !!!!!    EEEKKKKK

This is the biggest thing I've done with my life since my child was born .
To say this is a massive challenge is an understatement - I have no idea what's coming .

Maybe that's a good thing ??

Secondly is the fitness thing . I want to look better naked . Don't get me wrong , I don't hate my body but maybe there's a little to much  jiggle ?

On a good boob day i have quite a nice hourglass and feel like Beyonce ,bad day I feel like my ass is visible from space
 The idea is to get stronger and motivated for all the challenges ahead rather than to lose loads of weight .

There's a weight loss service in Hull that provides support during the process . I have a food and excersize diary

It's a six month commitment, focusing on me making smart choices everyday to work towards a bigger goal.

Its a skill set I'm going to need if I'm going to pass my degree .

Lastly I've been having therapy for depression  but this is coming to an end - I've had a few serious bouts during my life.
Since April I've had weekly sessions with an amazing woman and we feel I've said everything I need to .
Thou' it's a bit awkward when you realise you've put a lot of baggage down and you're still a few sandwiches short of a picnic .

All the talking seems to have worked as i now feel stronger more capable and more stable than I've ever been .

Handy if you intend to make major changes in life...... ahhh lightbulb

The thing is I have no idea how ambitious or ruthless this woman is !

Emillie Sande or Nikki Minaj ?

So now all i need to do now is everything I'm told to do when I'm told to do it

simple ???????