Thank yous and Tissues !!

So I normally don't do an end of yr reflective look back type thingie - usually cos I've never done anything worth shouting about.
But this year I have ... I'm proud of myself and all I've achieved but I know I couldn't have done this without help so this is more of a Oscars acceptance speech type deal !
In no particular order 
Mind on bev road for putting me in touch with the greatest councillor in the whole world. We laughed we cried and we cleared up the mess in my little head. She did this for free and as a volunteer. 
Hopefully me being successful is the best payment I can give her.
To Tarina Duffield - Miss penny feathers - I know peek a view was a long time ago. you gave me a chance to perform and introduction into Burlesque , how a show works and the art of performance. It felt like a massive step and people cheered for me ??!!! - shit a brick !!
To miss Violet Blaze - I love your ass and more importantly I almost love mine too That workshop was exactly what I needed. You show me that having curves is no barrier to taking your clothes off in front of a room full of people. 
Thou I've yet to find some big enough pasties.
You inspire me to be creative with my physical body and to be bold and confident enough to own my space.
To Miss Kiki DeVille I love your face . I love that there's places in the world that you get to do what you do. 
It gives me hope that at some point I might get to work with a big band or a jazz band on some old classic numbers in the future. 
I love there are places out there that welcome artists with that retro style.
To Kitty Beaumont.You taught me to dance and shimmy. You expected me to dance like the other girls so I worked hard to make my body do it. I desperately needed to be one of the girls and you helped me to push myself to be better.
To Andy Ferguson and Vic Collie you two are the people I've definitely complained and whined and bitched and moaned at the most. At best I'm a pain in the arse and at worst the most ridiculous human being on the planet and yet you still message me back ! 
I love you both so very much. You have both helped me be the creative person I always should have been . You two are the kindest people I know. 
You give me boundaries and tell me to sort myself out when I've needed to hear it.
And I've NEEDED to hear it !
To Craig Steer and all tutors I'm sure you've broken me. All I've thought about since we broke up is coming back and the assignments I've got to do .
So thanks for that !?
Lastly to Stephen Toynton . You have stood by me and not murdered me in my sleep as I appear to find new ways to annoy you every day. 
You are the beginning and ending of everything. I couldn't do any of it without you. 
You have grown with me and simultaneously let me grow away then back again. 
I know I'm not the easiest person but I love you very much. 
You don't yell at me too much when I haven't done the house work or forgotten to order any shopping - oopps !
The plan for new year is just more of the same. .. hard work and determination . More work on mind body and soul and more drunken nights out and embrassing fbk posts and pics.
Aren't you lucky............

The who

After !

Before !

BOO ! Did ya miss me ???

So I guess this is a catch up post . The last couple of weeks at uni had been the busiest so far.
Mixed in with the prep for Christmas it drove me to the edge of sanity !

In the last week I had 2 assignments due both with 10 min power point's and one i'd already submitted to present to our group.
As well as a group performance that was assessed and then a rehearsal for a new band .

I reacted in my usual panic mode . I had lists on top of lists so everything was done in time.
But in the end it was ......................

I GOT IT ALL IN !!

This is amazing for me - Usually I give up trying because the task is so huge but this time it's different.

There's so many thing just fit better with this new situation. I'm definitely in a better position now than this time last year.

So the gig was amazing - We worked so well as a unit !
Loads of people in the crowd congratulated me on being great. I even got loads of friend requests and inbox messages from people offering me all sorts.

Some good , some not so good. LOL
This new band opportunity came as a result of the gig. Now I'm off to rehearse with a load of 3rd years.

EEEEEEEEEKKKKK Scary cos they all know so much more about everything than i do - I know I'm good at what I do but it's all a very steep learning curve.

Also this means more time away from the home - we rehearse on a night once a fortnight so I miss putting spiderman to bed that night. It's not a huge thing but as a mum you always worry about spending time away from them.

The diet is going ok i think - with all the stress I've been dealing with the eating has been a little - ahem - erratic !  

I've still been hitting the gym to balance it out.

Then it was Christmas - I cooked, I ate, I drank .

Then I felt shit so I stopped .

So here we are all up to date. I have a few Thanks and pics to post so will get right on that !!

Bye darlings xxx

Gee - whizzz ,Look at his eyes.......................................

I hear this song in my sleep now ! LOL
I have a gig on December 10th and I've put so much effort into learning it. Also it's my inspiration for my own composition .

Mine is called Man of my dreams - it has the same chord progression , key and modulation, time signature and lyrical theme.
I'm not brave enough to add the pauses thou' !!

The start of the week was fine . Gym was great , turned the intensity up on all the machines . I'd walked 45 mins to the gym and walked 30 mins to pick spider man from school.

Tuesday band rehearsals - Get ready- The Temptations , Gee whiz- Carla Thomas and Lets stay together - Al Green are coming along nicely , thanks for asking
I seem to have developed a bit of a burly -ish wiggle

So that's when the wheels fell off .......................

Woke up Wednesday morning I was awake early in a bit of a mood. No warning no particular reason for it.
There it was and there it stayed .
My uni lesson was more difficult than it needed to be
Thursday I dropped spiderman at school and walked till I ached . I didn't speak to anyone all day. After lunch I stayed in the house and watched tv  I also walked back to school.
Friday was a struggle. It's a long day for all of us . Breakfast club for spiderman and then he's picked up by the childminder .

Usually this doesn't bother me but Friday there was  guilt and doubt .

Saturday I didn't get dressed till 12 and kept the curtains drawn till just before this too

Just to ad a little balance to this there has been some nice moments too - I took spiderman to see the lights switch on by Anna and Elsa . He loved it. His little face thou'
And i tried on some trousers that almost fit !!!

I'm sure people reading this will wonder if I tell people when I feel low - I wish it was that simple.
Both of the mates I'd usually talk to are experiencing  life also at the moment so don't really have time to listen.
My hubbie is willing to listen but I try hard to let him in when i don't feel too bad. Part of the reason to write the blog was to start a discussion and to explain what goes on behind brown eyes

If I can manage by myself then I will , at the moment it doesn't feel too bad .
I'm eating well and doing a the exercise so hopefully it'll pass, I've got a busy week coming .

Newcastle

well There better be cake .......................

So tomorrow is my birthday !
I'm planning to open my cards go to the gym and take away for tea. I'm excited already !

The last week has been a bit of a mixed bag - i'm getting used to being uncomfortable .

Monday I went to the gym . I did school run so that was 30 mins  walking . Walked to the gym which was  45 mins walking then the gym session

My PT didn't show this week. I did go earlier than normal but he wasn't around . I'd been under the impression that a personal trainer was meant to keep an eye on your progress.

To be honest I'm not too bothered - it just means that he has NO part in my success .
I've just gotta make sure I push myself to be better.

Uni is busy - I;m working on my own composition. I have melody and lyrics . My chords need looking at but it's mine and I'm doing it all ! SOOOO THRILLING to see it becoming a real song.

  I had my first student rep meeting . Its all very political . There was a guy demanding financial breakdowns of departments to see where his tuition fees go.

Little intimidating tbh. Don't mean I cant be part of it does it ?
At the moment everything is a little intimidating, I'm quite uncomfortable all the time anyways.

The eating has been OK . Last week I felt a bit down but I decided to feel it instead of choosing to medicate myself with food.

My aunty sent me a birthday present I was so excited to get the red 'WE have a parcel for you ! '
It turned out to be a top,   4 sizes too big !

She thinks I'm still huge and refuses to see how hard I've worked to change .
To be honest it felt like a slap in the face . I did email to say the top was too big only to have her 'explain ' to be the style of the top was meant to be baggy and she didn't have the receipt.

The period in my life when i was that size I was miserable depressed and suicidal. I don't want to be reminded of it.

So now for the fun stuff Newcastle !!!
On Friday my hubbie and i got on train to  party city  .We had champagne cocktails ,stayed in posh hotels. I even brought a leather skirt.
We popped into the best independent record shop in town and explore the sheets till home time .
Perfect 24 hours

So I've got this friend....... I do worry about them.

 I'm having to exercise so much restraint with them  , i don't do this well ............  They want to keep whats going on to themselves.
And I'm stopping myself from sending a million 'How are you feeling ?' text and try to keep the stalking to a minimum .

I am aware that is more my issue than theirs .  I need to get my head round how they want to run their business.

 I still adore them and I know they adore me too :-D

Fingers crossed I'll see them soon and we can laugh and play like we always have.

So tomorrow is my birthday - I'm 32 in my first year of a music degree and I've lost nearly a stone since September. I'm writing my  own material and I feel more complete than I've ever felt due to the changes I've made.

Not bad for a fat lass .....................

 

And this

This

This is my life !

A little burlesque

Uphill battle - but still winning the war , Kim Kardashian never has this problem .....................

Did you see the picture ?  Apparently 'Woman has an ass'

Anyways ................

This week has been very up and down.............. again
There's been gym. I did my workout and actually enjoyed it .
 Uni which has been good. I managed to use Sebelius and scored out correctly the first line of my own composition . I have words and a vague idea of the rest of it.
I almost actually asked for help - almost !
My waist has shrunk dramatically which is exciting to see . It does give you a massive lift to see the hard work paying off.
There was a night out with a new mate. I've not laughed so much in ages. We're so similar in personality they have helped me to settle down and helped me feel more comfortable doing what I do . They are also deliciously weird so that helps loads also.
Another good mate received a parcel I'd sent them and text to say Thanks . I'd had a horrible day so the text made sure I went to bed smiling . I really enjoyed planning a surprise and would have given anything to see the look when the card was opened !

So the not so good -
My trainer was late for my appointment by 15 mins . There was no staff around to ask just a full gym of people staring at me . I was terrified as it was only my 3rd visit. I felt very intimidated and to be honest  forgotten about. I have a doctors referral and was so nervous about the whole gym process
  After getting really annoyed and a few tears I had to go chasing him about to have him tell me that I really should have started without him.
I did my workout but felt like an inconvenience to him all session.
Then he  'reminded me ' what i needed to do on every machines I went on.

   Wow , Realllyyyy ..............................  I suspect this is why people quit GRRRRR !

So the weight loss - The only weight I have appeared to lose is my from my waist.
The trousers I have on are massive. They are so baggy on the waist they now sit on my hips. This makes them too long. They are baggy on the bum and tummy but fit fine on the my thighs.
I look like a baglady !
So I thought I'd try to find some new trousers to wear but this just didn't happen.
I tried on a 5 pairs of jeans in one shop and a few others in other shops also . None of them fitted due to the size of my thighs. If i sized up they are massive everywhere else . Thou' the trousers I'd picked up were labeled the same size as the baggy ones I was wearing !!??
 One of the supermarkets I tried has scrapped their plus size dept in favor of the Christmas stuff ??? WTF ??????
According to them I have no use for clothing at this time of year or maybe I'm just not entitled to buy from them ??
Spending my Saturday afternoon in shop changing rooms on the verge of tears is not good.

I bet Kim never has this problem.....................

It messes with my head cos I'd felt so hopeful that I was going to look fab after putting all this effort in , going to the gym and being made to feel an idiot only to find out that the same problems were in the mirror as before.
Now I know I'm not doing as well as I'd thought it seems like a much bigger task.


The only options I appear to have is cut down what I'm eating and exercise more, again and be cold .
At the moment I officially have no trousers so cold it is !

I can't go to Uni looking a mess can I ?
Long tops/ dresses and leggings it is .

Wonderful !!!????

.............Like a brides nightie !

I decided to write an entry tonight because I go't a few messages about my last post !
And I'd actually missed a few amazing things that happened during the week.

I've joined a gym - It's a special rate because I've had a doctors referral £10 a month. I have a PT and my progress is tracked.
I've been twice and I'm going again tomorrow.

I think it's doing me some good - I'm on the treadmill every week .
Something is working, my hips and abs look smaller.
So i took some pictures ! ;-D

My legs and ass are aching like a bitch !

I've also had to speak to a tutor about my depression, it was uncomfortable but it felt like i had to say something .
Its not far enough away for me to feel satisfied that it's gone completely - it leaves a long shadow so I guess that's what I'm running and cycling from.

I woke up this morning in a bit of a stinker but when I look at it all I'd eaten yesterday was crap . So it follows that it makes me feel crap.
Its so quick that i feel thebad effects hopefully it won't take me long to get back to my new normal.

Achey , hungry, mentally and physically exhausted but happy.

New dress

Light the fuse and stand well back ..........................she's gonna blow

Do you ever get the feeling you're just doing EVERYTHING  wrong ?

No,  Good just me then !

This week I've managed to mess everything up in the last few days.

Well maybe not everything - home is OK.
Its just everything else

I seem to have a million appointments on the same day at the same time .
I've missed a doctors appointment today - it is re-arranged but for three weeks time when hopefully I won't have a million other things . Hopefully !

There's absolutely loads of fireworks going off round here . Some of them sound like bombs.
I'm sat praying no-one sets fire to anything.

I'm genuinely feeling shitty about having to move everyone around

I've had the lesson I struggle with today - it's sorta going in but it's a slow process. ( I have spoken to my tutor. )

Usually when i feel like this i eat - I've been to the gym twice this week and have been on my bike everyday.

If I start to nibble I sabotage myself don't I ?

My mate is going though something horrendous - well I think !
Usually when this person disappears it means things are bad.

I sorta feel things aren't right - which freaks me out a little .
I'm sure it freaks them out too . I don't think they are used to be read so easily.

It send my good friend running for the hills - Well done Ruthie !

As you can see I'm a barrel of laughs tonight ? This is after a relaxing bath and a cuppa !

I'm off to order me shopping - I need to get something right tonight .

Not so much a learning curve as an uphill struggle

https://www.facebook.com/carefreesoul/videos


https://soundcloud.com/ruthtoynton

https://www.facebook.com/ruthietoynton?ref=bookmarks

So these are links to me online .

Feel free to leave me a message !

I found out this week what happens when I don't excersise.
General worry and chaos followed by lack of motivation and a few diet slip ups.

I got it all out overnight and got back into my routine . I'm trying to get back to my bike and I'm having a gym induction on Thursday.

This week at Uni I've been mic-ing up, recording and singing. I've also been trying to get to grips with some computer software.

I am determined to get to grips with it so I'm able to use it quickly.

The mum stuff has been a bit full on . Spiderman has had a couple of stressful days at school. He was throwing pens across a class room , had a bit of an argument with a boy in his class then had a nosebleed on the same day.
The next day he went back and fell again , this time cutting his head and I had to take him to the local minor injuries dept.

On Tuesday night my oldest and best friend came into Hull for the night. We ate we drank and giggled - magic .

So now is half term. So this means a visit from my mum and me being able to cook yummy meals for the family.
This will be the first time I've seen her since having all the therapy I've had.
Mostly addressing the amount of issues that arose from my childhood.

I don't blame my parents and i certainly don't hate them both. I don't know if I'd be the woman I am today without that experience.

But that woman is also stubborn and feels unable to ask for help which in a Uni class aint good is it.
So even after all the talking I've done to be a woman I can like , the past is still getting in the way.

Part of me is still the little fat girl that felt no one listened to her.

The difference now is that I know that I need to swallow my pride and ask for help.

I'm not stubborn enough to fail my degree ..........

Did ya miss me ??

Well the weekly blog stuff went well ?

Over the past two weeks I've been away I've written and submitted my first assignment . Had my childcare situation fall apart and then rebuilt by me , and realised just how much extra work I need to do to have a chance of not failing one of my modules.

As well as all the washing cleaning (ish!!) shopping and general day to day wife/mum stuff.

So the assignment was an essay. 2000 words on the Theory of Popular music submitted via turnitin.
I made a million notes from books and got quotes from everywhere and typed up over a few nights.

Spiderman was poorly as I typing so I had to stop clear up sick and then carry on - Lovely .
I aimed to get 400 words done a night.
I took it section by section . I got into the lesson the day before our deadline to find a few students hadn't been as organised as i was .

Also that day was band practice. I struggled with the first line of my song . Basically I didn't know it and it showed !
Not a mistake I'm willing to make again !

The childcare thing - It all fell apart. I spent most of one morning with my phone attached to my ear looking for a childminder who was able to pick him up from school that evening.

This was also the week of Parents evening . This was after school and we'd had no notice. None of us were available to go.
But due to the childcare situation I had to come home from lessons early anyways.

Spidermans teacher was less than impressed that I was unable to drop everything at a moments notice.

Not a happy bunny that day. My head was all over the place and the one thing I do when the shit hits the fan

EAT ..................

So the other issue of these past weeks is a module I desperately want to understand but at the moment don't make a lot of sense.
Rather than ask in class like a normal person might, I wait till I leave get upset and text my mate.
Then contemplate emailing my teacher.

I did email in the end , he encourages me to speak up in class. I'm not exactly sure why i don't
But it does seem like a good idea ???

Homework

New toy

Lessons to be learned

 I don't do Mondays.
For me the week starts at 11 am on a Tuesday morning with CATS ( Critical and Theoretical studies ) research based )

Musicianship is where we get to rehearse in bands and I get to sing  :-D

We have an A and R type task for one module I have to find a band to promote and a Composition and Arrangement  module .

 This module is about  putting our own tunes together - I have NO idea how to do this
Also there are other people on the course who do.

So this week I have been a little stressed out about it. Usually I would have cried and worried myself sick.

BUT I found myself emailing my tutor , asking what I could do to catch myself up.
He told me so I'm doing it .

I'm learning to read/write/play all at once.

Sounds simple enough !!!??

I found out this week I've managed to lose some weight - 8lbs in total. I had a feeling that something had changed but i didn't now how much ......

I  celebrated with Peanut M & M's and Spidermans Harvest festival.  He was an apple !

Saturday night was a bit of a drama. My mood seemed to plummet so no apparent reason.
This appeared to revolve around an old mate I haven't seen for a while.
It starts as 'He must be busy' finishes as 'OH MY GOD , he HATES me !'

I've learnt to wait till the storm passes to react or I'd have no mates at all.

Sunday was another drama . In the middle of a supermarket Spiderman and I witnessed a man have a fit .
He collapsed right in front of us.
I had to speak to him about it. He seemed ok but you can never really tell can ya ?
As a child my Dad was very unwell so I know how terrifying seeing someone collapse can be for a little one .

We had a little chat while eating strawberries .
It ended with Spiderman telling me he enjoyed being in my belly as a baby

Hopefully I manged to teach him that its ok to express his feeling by telling him about mine.

So time for bath and an early night - I've managed to fit everything in but now it's bed time !!!

.................And then something wonderful happened...............

This week has mostly been exhausting and painful !

All the exercise at home plus the extra running about , then the stairs has worn me out.

The pain was brand new shoes and no plasters - Now every pair of shoes i own rubs the blister
 - Not cool .

I expected a crash out at some point, but maybe not this soon.

We have assignments from every module already with most of them due between now and Christmas.
I know sweet FA about music theory - but everyone else in the class seems too ?
I have spots for the first time in years.    WTF ?

First week completely wiped me out. By Friday morning i'd almost lost it and had seem to have developed a cough and cold . Lovely

Although this was punctuated with little moments of joy.

Firstly I realised that the room i had counselling in and the room we have band practice in are the same colour.

I always felt protected by the room and able to be comfortable there so this room produces the same kind of feeling.  Bit weird, I know .

So it was in the yellow room something magical happened ..............................

First band practice - no one wants to sing the song. Lots of nerves and shuffling of feet.    It's unfamiliar , its too high in places  etc etc etc

I hear I voice say

"Can I have a go ?"

Suddenly everyone's looking at me - Where did that come from ?

Couldn't have been me - I don't do things like that ?

Well obviously i do now -
This woman is doing all sorts of strange things.

Practicing, Studying, Researching, volunteering, asking for help ,learning and making flash cards .
This is after the first week.

The course is 3 years long - I can't imagine what comes next...........................  

Mee

Where your mind goes your body will follow ?

Fortune cookie or actually the most useful piece of advice you'll ever hear ?

This week has definitely been about change.

 More specifically about smaller steps to make bigger changes.

Its a skill I'm gaining - I'm usually not the most patient of people.  As I'm sure my mates will tell ya !

With a lot of the changes I'm making the key seems to a small amount of effort everyday will produce the best results.

How did this pass me by before ?????

I've managed to get Spiderman  to school on time and arrange for him to be picked up by his friends mum.   I've not lost him , not left him anywhere . (touch wood)

 In fact we've all survived my first week.

I've managed to eat better than I ever have  - without too many slip-ups.    ......................CAKE ................

And a MEAL OUT WITH BOOZE .  

But all I did after was get straight back to my plan.

I've never been this focused before - to be honest it's a little unsettling !

It's amazing to think that the promise of a degree and networking opportunities, has worked better than all the body shaming, ridicule and good natured, but ever so slightly interfering, advice I've endured throughout my life.

The more I think about my current situation the more intertwined the threads seem to be.

My anxiety has been under control but to be honest I'd anticipated more of it - strange I know .

Usually a room full of strangers and  "Tell us a little bit about you ."game would cause a pretty major upset.
I have to admit, I did wonder what on earth i was going to wear the first day.

But because I'd been looking forward to starting and have been so positive about the future , I've managed to stop it before it starts.

This is MONUMENTAL for me.


Finally a grown up ? How did that happen ?

So i guess the first post should be an introduction to me and what's going on at the mo.
Wife to the strangest man I've ever met and mum to spider man. 5 3/4.

I'm 31 and have spent most of my life walking in the wrong direction.
I'm a singer and songwriter, always have been .

BUT  I've always had the feeling that other people's needs were more important than mine . This led me to work in care homes - mainly with older people with mental health issues.
.
This blog is intended to keep track of my progression and to keep hold of my sanity................. Hopefully

Firstly there's the degree , BA HONS Music Performance - I can't believe they let me in. It's been yrs since I've studied.
I made a few phone calls and somehow I'm there.

 I start TOMORROW !!!!!    EEEKKKKK

This is the biggest thing I've done with my life since my child was born .
To say this is a massive challenge is an understatement - I have no idea what's coming .

Maybe that's a good thing ??

Secondly is the fitness thing . I want to look better naked . Don't get me wrong , I don't hate my body but maybe there's a little to much  jiggle ?

On a good boob day i have quite a nice hourglass and feel like Beyonce ,bad day I feel like my ass is visible from space
 The idea is to get stronger and motivated for all the challenges ahead rather than to lose loads of weight .

There's a weight loss service in Hull that provides support during the process . I have a food and excersize diary

It's a six month commitment, focusing on me making smart choices everyday to work towards a bigger goal.

Its a skill set I'm going to need if I'm going to pass my degree .

Lastly I've been having therapy for depression  but this is coming to an end - I've had a few serious bouts during my life.
Since April I've had weekly sessions with an amazing woman and we feel I've said everything I need to .
Thou' it's a bit awkward when you realise you've put a lot of baggage down and you're still a few sandwiches short of a picnic .

All the talking seems to have worked as i now feel stronger more capable and more stable than I've ever been .

Handy if you intend to make major changes in life...... ahhh lightbulb

The thing is I have no idea how ambitious or ruthless this woman is !

Emillie Sande or Nikki Minaj ?

So now all i need to do now is everything I'm told to do when I'm told to do it

simple ???????