No , littleman my keys are NOT in the fridge..................

So this is the first week of the holidays with my 6 yr old. He wants to be attached to me most of the time.

The incident in question was after a nice morning swimming, a peaceful lunch and a few in house games.
The little one decided it was time to play in the garden.

My naughty keys had gone and I was about to go into full on panic mode.

No one has our key and hubbie at work till late

Then the question - Have you checked the fridge Mummy ?

Believe me , this could have sent me either way

Its been that kind of week - I've not felt the best.

I've sorta gone from having a huge circle of mates with uni, then a smaller circle with meetings and adult conversation to  , well  ........have you checked the fridge ?

It took me sooo long to learn to do the student thing , then to learn to do the networking thing so now
I'm watching endless episodes of cartoons.

I'm sure they only made about 4 eps - cos it seems to be the same stories all the time. I am learning all the pups on Paw Patrol - Littleman seems impressed.

In all this I've tried , I am trying to keep myself moving forward music wise - I answered my first casting call , wrote some lyrics - I saw a picture of myself in that red dress with the behive hair - I wondered what 'SHE' would write about

Turns out , it's seducing men into hotel rooms - Who knew ????

For me to write , I have to feel restless - The words have to fight their way out.
I sorta see them in my head and then HAVE to write them down or lose them forever.

Missed words/verses haunt me 'cos in my head they were epic lyrics that would have changed the world if only i could remember them .................

My head gets filled with words and quotes so i'm usually watching people i meet to see if their lives are interesting enough to write about.

I do write about mine too - Loads
About the people I meet and how i feel about them - good and bad !

Recently I've been missing people - the people I really love are far away from me - friends wise .

We do keep in touch by email but for me it doesn't really replace giving your best mate a squeeze.
And because I've just come though puberty and this crazy woman is new to me , I've been a bit upset at pics.
Bizarre, I know - it's not enough that this character I've created is strong passionate and confident the other side of that is sometimes other, darker sensitivities.

Once in a while , it gets too much and I shut the doors and stay in to recover.
All i do is eat good food try to excersise and keep my fingers busy till it passes.

My house has never been so tidy .....................
My head is silly

Oh, and just in case you were wondering , They weren't in the fridge ..........................

BOO ! Did ya miss me ???

So I guess this is a catch up post . The last couple of weeks at uni had been the busiest so far.
Mixed in with the prep for Christmas it drove me to the edge of sanity !

In the last week I had 2 assignments due both with 10 min power point's and one i'd already submitted to present to our group.
As well as a group performance that was assessed and then a rehearsal for a new band .

I reacted in my usual panic mode . I had lists on top of lists so everything was done in time.
But in the end it was ......................

I GOT IT ALL IN !!

This is amazing for me - Usually I give up trying because the task is so huge but this time it's different.

There's so many thing just fit better with this new situation. I'm definitely in a better position now than this time last year.

So the gig was amazing - We worked so well as a unit !
Loads of people in the crowd congratulated me on being great. I even got loads of friend requests and inbox messages from people offering me all sorts.

Some good , some not so good. LOL
This new band opportunity came as a result of the gig. Now I'm off to rehearse with a load of 3rd years.

EEEEEEEEEKKKKK Scary cos they all know so much more about everything than i do - I know I'm good at what I do but it's all a very steep learning curve.

Also this means more time away from the home - we rehearse on a night once a fortnight so I miss putting spiderman to bed that night. It's not a huge thing but as a mum you always worry about spending time away from them.

The diet is going ok i think - with all the stress I've been dealing with the eating has been a little - ahem - erratic !  

I've still been hitting the gym to balance it out.

Then it was Christmas - I cooked, I ate, I drank .

Then I felt shit so I stopped .

So here we are all up to date. I have a few Thanks and pics to post so will get right on that !!

Bye darlings xxx

Gee - whizzz ,Look at his eyes.......................................

I hear this song in my sleep now ! LOL
I have a gig on December 10th and I've put so much effort into learning it. Also it's my inspiration for my own composition .

Mine is called Man of my dreams - it has the same chord progression , key and modulation, time signature and lyrical theme.
I'm not brave enough to add the pauses thou' !!

The start of the week was fine . Gym was great , turned the intensity up on all the machines . I'd walked 45 mins to the gym and walked 30 mins to pick spider man from school.

Tuesday band rehearsals - Get ready- The Temptations , Gee whiz- Carla Thomas and Lets stay together - Al Green are coming along nicely , thanks for asking
I seem to have developed a bit of a burly -ish wiggle

So that's when the wheels fell off .......................

Woke up Wednesday morning I was awake early in a bit of a mood. No warning no particular reason for it.
There it was and there it stayed .
My uni lesson was more difficult than it needed to be
Thursday I dropped spiderman at school and walked till I ached . I didn't speak to anyone all day. After lunch I stayed in the house and watched tv  I also walked back to school.
Friday was a struggle. It's a long day for all of us . Breakfast club for spiderman and then he's picked up by the childminder .

Usually this doesn't bother me but Friday there was  guilt and doubt .

Saturday I didn't get dressed till 12 and kept the curtains drawn till just before this too

Just to ad a little balance to this there has been some nice moments too - I took spiderman to see the lights switch on by Anna and Elsa . He loved it. His little face thou'
And i tried on some trousers that almost fit !!!

I'm sure people reading this will wonder if I tell people when I feel low - I wish it was that simple.
Both of the mates I'd usually talk to are experiencing  life also at the moment so don't really have time to listen.
My hubbie is willing to listen but I try hard to let him in when i don't feel too bad. Part of the reason to write the blog was to start a discussion and to explain what goes on behind brown eyes

If I can manage by myself then I will , at the moment it doesn't feel too bad .
I'm eating well and doing a the exercise so hopefully it'll pass, I've got a busy week coming .

Not so much a learning curve as an uphill struggle

https://www.facebook.com/carefreesoul/videos


https://soundcloud.com/ruthtoynton

https://www.facebook.com/ruthietoynton?ref=bookmarks

So these are links to me online .

Feel free to leave me a message !

I found out this week what happens when I don't excersise.
General worry and chaos followed by lack of motivation and a few diet slip ups.

I got it all out overnight and got back into my routine . I'm trying to get back to my bike and I'm having a gym induction on Thursday.

This week at Uni I've been mic-ing up, recording and singing. I've also been trying to get to grips with some computer software.

I am determined to get to grips with it so I'm able to use it quickly.

The mum stuff has been a bit full on . Spiderman has had a couple of stressful days at school. He was throwing pens across a class room , had a bit of an argument with a boy in his class then had a nosebleed on the same day.
The next day he went back and fell again , this time cutting his head and I had to take him to the local minor injuries dept.

On Tuesday night my oldest and best friend came into Hull for the night. We ate we drank and giggled - magic .

So now is half term. So this means a visit from my mum and me being able to cook yummy meals for the family.
This will be the first time I've seen her since having all the therapy I've had.
Mostly addressing the amount of issues that arose from my childhood.

I don't blame my parents and i certainly don't hate them both. I don't know if I'd be the woman I am today without that experience.

But that woman is also stubborn and feels unable to ask for help which in a Uni class aint good is it.
So even after all the talking I've done to be a woman I can like , the past is still getting in the way.

Part of me is still the little fat girl that felt no one listened to her.

The difference now is that I know that I need to swallow my pride and ask for help.

I'm not stubborn enough to fail my degree ..........

Where your mind goes your body will follow ?

Fortune cookie or actually the most useful piece of advice you'll ever hear ?

This week has definitely been about change.

 More specifically about smaller steps to make bigger changes.

Its a skill I'm gaining - I'm usually not the most patient of people.  As I'm sure my mates will tell ya !

With a lot of the changes I'm making the key seems to a small amount of effort everyday will produce the best results.

How did this pass me by before ?????

I've managed to get Spiderman  to school on time and arrange for him to be picked up by his friends mum.   I've not lost him , not left him anywhere . (touch wood)

 In fact we've all survived my first week.

I've managed to eat better than I ever have  - without too many slip-ups.    ......................CAKE ................

And a MEAL OUT WITH BOOZE .  

But all I did after was get straight back to my plan.

I've never been this focused before - to be honest it's a little unsettling !

It's amazing to think that the promise of a degree and networking opportunities, has worked better than all the body shaming, ridicule and good natured, but ever so slightly interfering, advice I've endured throughout my life.

The more I think about my current situation the more intertwined the threads seem to be.

My anxiety has been under control but to be honest I'd anticipated more of it - strange I know .

Usually a room full of strangers and  "Tell us a little bit about you ."game would cause a pretty major upset.
I have to admit, I did wonder what on earth i was going to wear the first day.

But because I'd been looking forward to starting and have been so positive about the future , I've managed to stop it before it starts.

This is MONUMENTAL for me.


Finally a grown up ? How did that happen ?

So i guess the first post should be an introduction to me and what's going on at the mo.
Wife to the strangest man I've ever met and mum to spider man. 5 3/4.

I'm 31 and have spent most of my life walking in the wrong direction.
I'm a singer and songwriter, always have been .

BUT  I've always had the feeling that other people's needs were more important than mine . This led me to work in care homes - mainly with older people with mental health issues.
.
This blog is intended to keep track of my progression and to keep hold of my sanity................. Hopefully

Firstly there's the degree , BA HONS Music Performance - I can't believe they let me in. It's been yrs since I've studied.
I made a few phone calls and somehow I'm there.

 I start TOMORROW !!!!!    EEEKKKKK

This is the biggest thing I've done with my life since my child was born .
To say this is a massive challenge is an understatement - I have no idea what's coming .

Maybe that's a good thing ??

Secondly is the fitness thing . I want to look better naked . Don't get me wrong , I don't hate my body but maybe there's a little to much  jiggle ?

On a good boob day i have quite a nice hourglass and feel like Beyonce ,bad day I feel like my ass is visible from space
 The idea is to get stronger and motivated for all the challenges ahead rather than to lose loads of weight .

There's a weight loss service in Hull that provides support during the process . I have a food and excersize diary

It's a six month commitment, focusing on me making smart choices everyday to work towards a bigger goal.

Its a skill set I'm going to need if I'm going to pass my degree .

Lastly I've been having therapy for depression  but this is coming to an end - I've had a few serious bouts during my life.
Since April I've had weekly sessions with an amazing woman and we feel I've said everything I need to .
Thou' it's a bit awkward when you realise you've put a lot of baggage down and you're still a few sandwiches short of a picnic .

All the talking seems to have worked as i now feel stronger more capable and more stable than I've ever been .

Handy if you intend to make major changes in life...... ahhh lightbulb

The thing is I have no idea how ambitious or ruthless this woman is !

Emillie Sande or Nikki Minaj ?

So now all i need to do now is everything I'm told to do when I'm told to do it

simple ???????