I hear this song in my sleep now ! LOL
I have a gig on December 10th and I've put so much effort into learning it. Also it's my inspiration for my own composition .
Mine is called Man of my dreams - it has the same chord progression , key and modulation, time signature and lyrical theme.
I'm not brave enough to add the pauses thou' !!
The start of the week was fine . Gym was great , turned the intensity up on all the machines . I'd walked 45 mins to the gym and walked 30 mins to pick spider man from school.
Tuesday band rehearsals - Get ready- The Temptations , Gee whiz- Carla Thomas and Lets stay together - Al Green are coming along nicely , thanks for asking
I seem to have developed a bit of a burly -ish wiggle
So that's when the wheels fell off .......................
Woke up Wednesday morning I was awake early in a bit of a mood. No warning no particular reason for it.
There it was and there it stayed .
My uni lesson was more difficult than it needed to be
Thursday I dropped spiderman at school and walked till I ached . I didn't speak to anyone all day. After lunch I stayed in the house and watched tv I also walked back to school.
Friday was a struggle. It's a long day for all of us . Breakfast club for spiderman and then he's picked up by the childminder .
Usually this doesn't bother me but Friday there was guilt and doubt .
Saturday I didn't get dressed till 12 and kept the curtains drawn till just before this too
Just to ad a little balance to this there has been some nice moments too - I took spiderman to see the lights switch on by Anna and Elsa . He loved it. His little face thou'
And i tried on some trousers that almost fit !!!
I'm sure people reading this will wonder if I tell people when I feel low - I wish it was that simple.
Both of the mates I'd usually talk to are experiencing life also at the moment so don't really have time to listen.
My hubbie is willing to listen but I try hard to let him in when i don't feel too bad. Part of the reason to write the blog was to start a discussion and to explain what goes on behind brown eyes
If I can manage by myself then I will , at the moment it doesn't feel too bad .
I'm eating well and doing a the exercise so hopefully it'll pass, I've got a busy week coming .
Sunday, 30 November 2014
Saturday, 29 November 2014
Sunday, 23 November 2014
well There better be cake .......................
So tomorrow is my birthday !
I'm planning to open my cards go to the gym and take away for tea. I'm excited already !
The last week has been a bit of a mixed bag - i'm getting used to being uncomfortable .
Monday I went to the gym . I did school run so that was 30 mins walking . Walked to the gym which was 45 mins walking then the gym session
My PT didn't show this week. I did go earlier than normal but he wasn't around . I'd been under the impression that a personal trainer was meant to keep an eye on your progress.
To be honest I'm not too bothered - it just means that he has NO part in my success .
I've just gotta make sure I push myself to be better.
Uni is busy - I;m working on my own composition. I have melody and lyrics . My chords need looking at but it's mine and I'm doing it all ! SOOOO THRILLING to see it becoming a real song.
I had my first student rep meeting . Its all very political . There was a guy demanding financial breakdowns of departments to see where his tuition fees go.
Little intimidating tbh. Don't mean I cant be part of it does it ?
At the moment everything is a little intimidating, I'm quite uncomfortable all the time anyways.
The eating has been OK . Last week I felt a bit down but I decided to feel it instead of choosing to medicate myself with food.
My aunty sent me a birthday present I was so excited to get the red 'WE have a parcel for you ! '
It turned out to be a top, 4 sizes too big !
She thinks I'm still huge and refuses to see how hard I've worked to change .
To be honest it felt like a slap in the face . I did email to say the top was too big only to have her 'explain ' to be the style of the top was meant to be baggy and she didn't have the receipt.
The period in my life when i was that size I was miserable depressed and suicidal. I don't want to be reminded of it.
So now for the fun stuff Newcastle !!!
On Friday my hubbie and i got on train to party city .We had champagne cocktails ,stayed in posh hotels. I even brought a leather skirt.
We popped into the best independent record shop in town and explore the sheets till home time .
Perfect 24 hours
So I've got this friend....... I do worry about them.
I'm having to exercise so much restraint with them , i don't do this well ............ They want to keep whats going on to themselves.
And I'm stopping myself from sending a million 'How are you feeling ?' text and try to keep the stalking to a minimum .
I am aware that is more my issue than theirs . I need to get my head round how they want to run their business.
I still adore them and I know they adore me too :-D
Fingers crossed I'll see them soon and we can laugh and play like we always have.
So tomorrow is my birthday - I'm 32 in my first year of a music degree and I've lost nearly a stone since September. I'm writing my own material and I feel more complete than I've ever felt due to the changes I've made.
Not bad for a fat lass .....................
I'm planning to open my cards go to the gym and take away for tea. I'm excited already !
The last week has been a bit of a mixed bag - i'm getting used to being uncomfortable .
Monday I went to the gym . I did school run so that was 30 mins walking . Walked to the gym which was 45 mins walking then the gym session
My PT didn't show this week. I did go earlier than normal but he wasn't around . I'd been under the impression that a personal trainer was meant to keep an eye on your progress.
To be honest I'm not too bothered - it just means that he has NO part in my success .
I've just gotta make sure I push myself to be better.
Uni is busy - I;m working on my own composition. I have melody and lyrics . My chords need looking at but it's mine and I'm doing it all ! SOOOO THRILLING to see it becoming a real song.
I had my first student rep meeting . Its all very political . There was a guy demanding financial breakdowns of departments to see where his tuition fees go.
Little intimidating tbh. Don't mean I cant be part of it does it ?
At the moment everything is a little intimidating, I'm quite uncomfortable all the time anyways.
The eating has been OK . Last week I felt a bit down but I decided to feel it instead of choosing to medicate myself with food.
My aunty sent me a birthday present I was so excited to get the red 'WE have a parcel for you ! '
It turned out to be a top, 4 sizes too big !
She thinks I'm still huge and refuses to see how hard I've worked to change .
To be honest it felt like a slap in the face . I did email to say the top was too big only to have her 'explain ' to be the style of the top was meant to be baggy and she didn't have the receipt.
The period in my life when i was that size I was miserable depressed and suicidal. I don't want to be reminded of it.
So now for the fun stuff Newcastle !!!
On Friday my hubbie and i got on train to party city .We had champagne cocktails ,stayed in posh hotels. I even brought a leather skirt.
We popped into the best independent record shop in town and explore the sheets till home time .
Perfect 24 hours
So I've got this friend....... I do worry about them.
I'm having to exercise so much restraint with them , i don't do this well ............ They want to keep whats going on to themselves.
And I'm stopping myself from sending a million 'How are you feeling ?' text and try to keep the stalking to a minimum .
I am aware that is more my issue than theirs . I need to get my head round how they want to run their business.
I still adore them and I know they adore me too :-D
Fingers crossed I'll see them soon and we can laugh and play like we always have.
So tomorrow is my birthday - I'm 32 in my first year of a music degree and I've lost nearly a stone since September. I'm writing my own material and I feel more complete than I've ever felt due to the changes I've made.
Not bad for a fat lass .....................
Monday, 17 November 2014
Sunday, 16 November 2014
Uphill battle - but still winning the war , Kim Kardashian never has this problem .....................
Did you see the picture ? Apparently 'Woman has an ass'
Anyways ................
This week has been very up and down.............. again
There's been gym. I did my workout and actually enjoyed it .
Uni which has been good. I managed to use Sebelius and scored out correctly the first line of my own composition . I have words and a vague idea of the rest of it.
I almost actually asked for help - almost !
My waist has shrunk dramatically which is exciting to see . It does give you a massive lift to see the hard work paying off.
There was a night out with a new mate. I've not laughed so much in ages. We're so similar in personality they have helped me to settle down and helped me feel more comfortable doing what I do . They are also deliciously weird so that helps loads also.
Another good mate received a parcel I'd sent them and text to say Thanks . I'd had a horrible day so the text made sure I went to bed smiling . I really enjoyed planning a surprise and would have given anything to see the look when the card was opened !
So the not so good -
My trainer was late for my appointment by 15 mins . There was no staff around to ask just a full gym of people staring at me . I was terrified as it was only my 3rd visit. I felt very intimidated and to be honest forgotten about. I have a doctors referral and was so nervous about the whole gym process
After getting really annoyed and a few tears I had to go chasing him about to have him tell me that I really should have started without him.
I did my workout but felt like an inconvenience to him all session.
Then he 'reminded me ' what i needed to do on every machines I went on.
Wow , Realllyyyy .............................. I suspect this is why people quit GRRRRR !
So the weight loss - The only weight I have appeared to lose is my from my waist.
The trousers I have on are massive. They are so baggy on the waist they now sit on my hips. This makes them too long. They are baggy on the bum and tummy but fit fine on the my thighs.
I look like a baglady !
So I thought I'd try to find some new trousers to wear but this just didn't happen.
I tried on a 5 pairs of jeans in one shop and a few others in other shops also . None of them fitted due to the size of my thighs. If i sized up they are massive everywhere else . Thou' the trousers I'd picked up were labeled the same size as the baggy ones I was wearing !!??
One of the supermarkets I tried has scrapped their plus size dept in favor of the Christmas stuff ??? WTF ??????
According to them I have no use for clothing at this time of year or maybe I'm just not entitled to buy from them ??
Spending my Saturday afternoon in shop changing rooms on the verge of tears is not good.
I bet Kim never has this problem.....................
It messes with my head cos I'd felt so hopeful that I was going to look fab after putting all this effort in , going to the gym and being made to feel an idiot only to find out that the same problems were in the mirror as before.
Now I know I'm not doing as well as I'd thought it seems like a much bigger task.
The only options I appear to have is cut down what I'm eating and exercise more, again and be cold .
At the moment I officially have no trousers so cold it is !
I can't go to Uni looking a mess can I ?
Long tops/ dresses and leggings it is .
Wonderful !!!????
Anyways ................
This week has been very up and down.............. again
There's been gym. I did my workout and actually enjoyed it .
Uni which has been good. I managed to use Sebelius and scored out correctly the first line of my own composition . I have words and a vague idea of the rest of it.
I almost actually asked for help - almost !
My waist has shrunk dramatically which is exciting to see . It does give you a massive lift to see the hard work paying off.
There was a night out with a new mate. I've not laughed so much in ages. We're so similar in personality they have helped me to settle down and helped me feel more comfortable doing what I do . They are also deliciously weird so that helps loads also.
Another good mate received a parcel I'd sent them and text to say Thanks . I'd had a horrible day so the text made sure I went to bed smiling . I really enjoyed planning a surprise and would have given anything to see the look when the card was opened !
So the not so good -
My trainer was late for my appointment by 15 mins . There was no staff around to ask just a full gym of people staring at me . I was terrified as it was only my 3rd visit. I felt very intimidated and to be honest forgotten about. I have a doctors referral and was so nervous about the whole gym process
After getting really annoyed and a few tears I had to go chasing him about to have him tell me that I really should have started without him.
I did my workout but felt like an inconvenience to him all session.
Then he 'reminded me ' what i needed to do on every machines I went on.
Wow , Realllyyyy .............................. I suspect this is why people quit GRRRRR !
So the weight loss - The only weight I have appeared to lose is my from my waist.
The trousers I have on are massive. They are so baggy on the waist they now sit on my hips. This makes them too long. They are baggy on the bum and tummy but fit fine on the my thighs.
I look like a baglady !
So I thought I'd try to find some new trousers to wear but this just didn't happen.
I tried on a 5 pairs of jeans in one shop and a few others in other shops also . None of them fitted due to the size of my thighs. If i sized up they are massive everywhere else . Thou' the trousers I'd picked up were labeled the same size as the baggy ones I was wearing !!??
One of the supermarkets I tried has scrapped their plus size dept in favor of the Christmas stuff ??? WTF ??????
According to them I have no use for clothing at this time of year or maybe I'm just not entitled to buy from them ??
Spending my Saturday afternoon in shop changing rooms on the verge of tears is not good.
I bet Kim never has this problem.....................
It messes with my head cos I'd felt so hopeful that I was going to look fab after putting all this effort in , going to the gym and being made to feel an idiot only to find out that the same problems were in the mirror as before.
Now I know I'm not doing as well as I'd thought it seems like a much bigger task.
The only options I appear to have is cut down what I'm eating and exercise more, again and be cold .
At the moment I officially have no trousers so cold it is !
I can't go to Uni looking a mess can I ?
Long tops/ dresses and leggings it is .
Wonderful !!!????
Monday, 10 November 2014
Sunday, 9 November 2014
.............Like a brides nightie !
I decided to write an entry tonight because I go't a few messages about my last post !
And I'd actually missed a few amazing things that happened during the week.
I've joined a gym - It's a special rate because I've had a doctors referral £10 a month. I have a PT and my progress is tracked.
I've been twice and I'm going again tomorrow.
I think it's doing me some good - I'm on the treadmill every week .
Something is working, my hips and abs look smaller.
So i took some pictures ! ;-D
My legs and ass are aching like a bitch !
I've also had to speak to a tutor about my depression, it was uncomfortable but it felt like i had to say something .
Its not far enough away for me to feel satisfied that it's gone completely - it leaves a long shadow so I guess that's what I'm running and cycling from.
I woke up this morning in a bit of a stinker but when I look at it all I'd eaten yesterday was crap . So it follows that it makes me feel crap.
Its so quick that i feel thebad effects hopefully it won't take me long to get back to my new normal.
Achey , hungry, mentally and physically exhausted but happy.
And I'd actually missed a few amazing things that happened during the week.
I've joined a gym - It's a special rate because I've had a doctors referral £10 a month. I have a PT and my progress is tracked.
I've been twice and I'm going again tomorrow.
I think it's doing me some good - I'm on the treadmill every week .
Something is working, my hips and abs look smaller.
So i took some pictures ! ;-D
My legs and ass are aching like a bitch !
I've also had to speak to a tutor about my depression, it was uncomfortable but it felt like i had to say something .
Its not far enough away for me to feel satisfied that it's gone completely - it leaves a long shadow so I guess that's what I'm running and cycling from.
I woke up this morning in a bit of a stinker but when I look at it all I'd eaten yesterday was crap . So it follows that it makes me feel crap.
Its so quick that i feel thebad effects hopefully it won't take me long to get back to my new normal.
Achey , hungry, mentally and physically exhausted but happy.
Wednesday, 5 November 2014
Light the fuse and stand well back ..........................she's gonna blow
Do you ever get the feeling you're just doing EVERYTHING wrong ?
No, Good just me then !
This week I've managed to mess everything up in the last few days.
Well maybe not everything - home is OK.
Its just everything else
I seem to have a million appointments on the same day at the same time .
I've missed a doctors appointment today - it is re-arranged but for three weeks time when hopefully I won't have a million other things . Hopefully !
There's absolutely loads of fireworks going off round here . Some of them sound like bombs.
I'm sat praying no-one sets fire to anything.
I'm genuinely feeling shitty about having to move everyone around
I've had the lesson I struggle with today - it's sorta going in but it's a slow process. ( I have spoken to my tutor. )
Usually when i feel like this i eat - I've been to the gym twice this week and have been on my bike everyday.
If I start to nibble I sabotage myself don't I ?
My mate is going though something horrendous - well I think !
Usually when this person disappears it means things are bad.
I sorta feel things aren't right - which freaks me out a little .
I'm sure it freaks them out too . I don't think they are used to be read so easily.
It send my good friend running for the hills - Well done Ruthie !
As you can see I'm a barrel of laughs tonight ? This is after a relaxing bath and a cuppa !
I'm off to order me shopping - I need to get something right tonight .
No, Good just me then !
This week I've managed to mess everything up in the last few days.
Well maybe not everything - home is OK.
Its just everything else
I seem to have a million appointments on the same day at the same time .
I've missed a doctors appointment today - it is re-arranged but for three weeks time when hopefully I won't have a million other things . Hopefully !
There's absolutely loads of fireworks going off round here . Some of them sound like bombs.
I'm sat praying no-one sets fire to anything.
I'm genuinely feeling shitty about having to move everyone around
I've had the lesson I struggle with today - it's sorta going in but it's a slow process. ( I have spoken to my tutor. )
Usually when i feel like this i eat - I've been to the gym twice this week and have been on my bike everyday.
If I start to nibble I sabotage myself don't I ?
My mate is going though something horrendous - well I think !
Usually when this person disappears it means things are bad.
I sorta feel things aren't right - which freaks me out a little .
I'm sure it freaks them out too . I don't think they are used to be read so easily.
It send my good friend running for the hills - Well done Ruthie !
As you can see I'm a barrel of laughs tonight ? This is after a relaxing bath and a cuppa !
I'm off to order me shopping - I need to get something right tonight .
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